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As a straight woman in the online dating world, I have discovered that men can be creepy. I think the real issue here is that you are being misguided, probably by horrible pick-up artist message boards and your horny friends. Not enough people do this, but I think you really should say what you’re looking for. And whatever weird porn fantasy you’re trying to live out, stop. However, one look at your profile and I thought, “She looks desperate enough to engage in intercourse with me right now.” In this guy’s defense, one of my pictures is of me crying while eating a burrito.I’m sure there’s a men’s rights activist out there right now clutching his fedora and angrily shouting, “Not all men, m’lady! Instead of asking other men how to approach women online, how about you get some advice from an actual woman? Don’t Call Us “Cutie,” “Sexy,” or “Babe” Calling a woman you don’t know “sexy” or “cutie” is not as flattering as you might think.” So I am going to address that right now: Yeah, duh. In fact, I’ve actually dated some of the men who haven’t approached me online in a moronic manner. My inbox is flooded daily with strangers asking me questions like, “Can I suck a cucumber out of your butt? ” Every message reads like something a right-wing political cartoonist would have Bill Clinton say in the late 90s. People were interested in my grotesque dating life, but then I started getting messages from angry men saying the messages were fault—I must have somehow been leading them on, tricking them into sending me such messages. If All You Want Is a Hook-Up, Make That Clear (But Not in a Porny Way) This goes for Tinder, especially. You become the catcalling construction worker of the internet.

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After a short hiatus from the world of online dating (because it sucks, you guys), I'm back with more tales of hilarity. There is no point in lying on your profile about things that are obvious within five minutes of meeting you in person. Why contact me and bother discussing meeting up and dating if you live two thousand miles away? It's a tad creepy when we've exchanged three messages, tops, and you're calling me "baby" and talking about moving to my area because "nothing's keeping me here anyway".

To come to the aid of my fellow single women, I've helpfully organized the types of men you meet online into several broad categories. This includes height (6 feet, 5'8", same diff, right?

No.), occupation (a paralegal is not a lawyer, and the guy who keeps the books for a sketchy bowling alley is not an accountant), and general appearance (we're gonna know it if that photo was taken in 1996, gentlemen).

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about the single dads, but you guys do realize that everyone can see those pictures, right? Because I'm not sure you understand how the internet works. A couple of anonymous emails does not a relationship make.

That pig, while he was alive, made more money than I will ever make in my lifetime.

It’s also very close to sounding like "baby," which is the title of a Justin Bieber song.

Justin Bieber is currently someone who makes more money than I will ever make in my lifetime.

There’s a difference between talking to someone and them eventually saying, “I’m going to be honest with you, I only want a casual hook-up” versus being greeted with “Let me fuk that asshole.” Come on, at least spell fuck right. Oh and for the love of god, stop telling us that Normally, I don the facade of a decent human being who doesn’t approach women in such a vile manner.

I would most likely decline, but I wouldn’t think he’s a bad person.

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