I used to be one of those girls who was like “No, it’s OK. But then, I take a deep breath and ask myself this pivotal question: Do you like it when someone just goes right down there with a reckless abandon, Zara?
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It’s me, Zara, your trusted lesbian Internet wingwoman.
We met a few months ago after I offered you my unsolicited dating and sex advice, in an article entitled “Lez Get You Laid: Sex And Dating Tips For Men From A Lesbian.” If you read that gorgeous, wise little article, then you know me, and you know I’m totally on your side.
If you don’t know me, let me give you a brief introduction: My name is Zara Barrie, and I’m a full-blast, lady-loving lesbian. It’s recently come to my attention that some of you may be a little intimidated about going down on a woman…or just not know what the f*ck you’re doing. The first time I ever went down on a girl (sophomore year of high school, I think? I mean, the vagina is like this mystical holy grail that unlocks the secrets to the ever-expansive universe.
We lesbians might as well have honorary doctorates in the art of With that, I proudly present to you Zara’s simple five-step guide to going down on women. Men, hear me when I say this: Step one is the key to not only being better at oral sex, but the key to a less We girls have been trained by society to believe our vaginas are ugly, vile places and men don’t like to go down on such dirty, salacious parts of the girl body. Vaginas are the reasons buildings are built and the world f*cking rotates. Before you dare to go down, make sure you make us feel super sexy. It’s So before it’s gotten even close to oral time, when it’s still in the make-out phase of the hookup, take breaks and say things like “You’re so f*cking hot.” “You’re so gorgeous.” “I love your sexy body.” When I’m told VERBALLY that you desperately want to f*ck me, I can relax. Boys don’t mind if a girl just goes straight in for the blow-jay (Note: I used to sleep with your kind). Otherwise the experience just isn’t as pleasant, right? Also, at this stage, feel free to throw in the occasional moans and “I want you so bad.” However, don’t do it The trick to going down on a girl (and again, to girl world, in general) is to tease her. If you’re afraid to look at a woman’s vagina, dead on, you have no business being down there. Don’t go at it like it’s a slice of teeming hot pizza you would pick up at the bar at 4 am. OK, so you’ve been down south before, have you, big guy? If she’s breathing heavy and making sounds, it’s good. And don’t be afraid to communicate: “Babe does this feel good? Also — try sticking your finger inside of her, and finger f*ck her (if you’re coordinated enough) while you’re going down on her — especially when she’s about to come. She identifies as a "mascara lesbian." She lives beyond her means on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.
We are made to believe boys just want tits and lips (mouth lips). Also, it makes us hot to make a girl feel hot, right? And girls need to feel relaxed in order to enjoy oral SEX. It doesn’t matter if the entire transaction lasts all of five minutes. You don’t want to venture down under, until she’s dripping wet and begging for it. Then before you even get to her clit, kiss her inner thighs and pelvic area. You made your last girl have earth-shattering, mind-blowing orgasms, so this one should be no problem.
And nothing can make her scream with passion like oral. And girls cannot, I repeat, cannot, come when they’re feeling self-conscious. Sometimes I will be so sexually aroused by a woman that I just WANT TO DIVE IN AND EAT HER OUT. She should be pulling her hair out of her head, willing and eager to sell her first-born child just to have your precious lips and tongue on her precious parts. If it comes easy and quickly, we deem it cheap (this is why girls have an adverse reaction to the sale rack). Slowly touch the top of her with your hands LIGHTLY over her underwear. Go back up to the top and kiss her on the mouth again, and then kiss her entire body, slowly and sensually.
However, I AM a girl, and due to our f*cked-up society, I get really self-conscious, too. AGH I’M SO TURNED ON I JUST WANT TO SKIP THE BULLSH*T AND GO FOR IT.
But you know what I’ve learned after a decade of giving — and receiving — oral sex to and from women?
It’s actually really not that hard to get a girl off. And before you go in for the kill (she better be breathing heavily and in a full-body tremble), breathe a little hot air right on the clit. Some women like it soft and gentle; other women like it hot and fast.