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We know you're not "new" to the whole dating app game, and the evidence doesn't suggest you find it particularly "weird". ) We're all desperate and shallow and lonely, so let's not pretend otherwise.

The only weird thing about it is the 15 minutes you just spent on a perfect stranger from Happn's Linked In page. Never call yourself a "gin enthusiast" or a "coffee snob" in your bio. You don't to put your height, but thinking girls don't care would be naive, so post a full-body photo of you posing against something for scale, like a "You Must Be This High to Ride" rollercoaster sign, a door, or – if you're really small – a 50 pence piece or a cat.

Consider these topics to be banned from Tinder chat: your epic weekend plans; the undoubtedly epic hangover you're going to have as a result of them; music genres; what A-levels you did; holidays.

It's also not about slithering up with some awful PUA lines and trying to bully-fuck her.

We're not asking for Jane Austen; we just want to be wooed and we want you to be cool about it.

Dating in the post-lads mag age is a romantic, political and legal minefield, so here's a guide to help you through the painful business of chatting up girls.

SOCIAL MEDIA AND DATING APPS Don't pretend you haven't spent every last toilet break this month hungrily trawling through girls' Tinder bikini pictures.

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Spend too much time on the internet and you'll end up thinking young men in Britain today fall into one of two camps: hyper-sensitive puppy dogs trying to fundraise their way to true love, or those guys who think flirting means getting shitfaced and screaming rape threats down a traffic cone at girls in the street.

While this picture isn't 100 percent accurate, it does seem that too many guys have adopted either the love formula or the LAD Bible as their seduction template, and frankly either of those approaches is as erotic to us as the idea of getting finger-banged in a jacuzzi by the Elephant Man. But the truth is, boys these days have really dropped their flirt game.

Finding a woman to love you tender isn't about throwing a hessian sack over her head and tossing her on the back of a wagon.

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